UFC 101

Yes, UFC 101 was more than 3 weeks ago, and yes, UFC 102 happened already, but I made a running diary of the night's events and present it now to you. The card featured Hawaii's very own, BJ Penn defending his Lightweight Championship against Kenny Florian. Here it is, all times are guessimated and are Hawaii Standard Time.

4:00pm: I'm coming live to you from the KHON2 news studio in Honolulu, HI in a room of about 20 people, all rooting for Penn. (I actually met Penn at the studio, he came in to do an interview and it amazed me how short he is in person. It always amazes me when I see how short celebrities are. I saw one of the dudes from the Yin-Yang Twins I swore I could've stepped on him.) Joining me are Ocean, who's sitting next to me, and Sant and Joe who are at 1 Valdez Ave. back home in San Francisco.

4:04: I can text who I think is going to win the main event, Penn or Florian. There's no way Penn's losing this fight. I'd bet my left testicle on it. (I actually bet Joe $10 and a beer Penn wins.) And no way more than 40% of people think Florian's gonna win. I'd bet "Righty" on that one too. "Florian even looks scared in his picture." Ocean says, he's right. If I had anything in my bank account, I'd bet it all on Penn.

4:11: It's time for our first fight, and here's our ring announcer, Bruce Buffer! Michael Buffer's younger, half-brother. (The "Let's Get Ready to Rummmmmmmmmmmmmmmble" guy.) As if being a younger brother didn't suck enough, he has to follow in his older brother's footsteps, and predictably, he's nowhere near as good. Imagine if Oxygen or Noggin ried to get Miley Cyrus's little sister or something to do a show. Always seeing Bruce Buffer for the first time at a UFC event always makes me laugh. Good times…

4:12: Our first fight is Josh Neer taking on Kurt Pellegrino, 3 rounds in the Lightweight division. Pellegrino has bleached blonde hair and he's named after mineral water, no way he wins.

4:13: The fight starts and Pellegrino offers his hand to touch gloves. Neer doesn't respond. Yeah, Pellegrino's definitely not winning.

4:26: After the first two rounds, Neer's surprisingly getting his ass kicked. Now would be a good time to mention that one of Neer's sponsors is the "Condom Depot," Figures, because he's about as useful as a broken one right now. Neer's efforts definitely wouldn't ever make me want to buy a condom from there, ever. Bad move by Condom Depot. Would you want to buy a Big Mac if McDonald's sponsored FEMA right after Hurricane Katrina?

4:28: "I feel like Joe Rogan's wearing his hat backwards right now," Ocean says. Joe Rogan, yes, THAT Joe Rogan from "Fear Factor" is one of UFC's announcers, and he's surprisingly really good. He knows a lot about mixed martial arts and makes funny, random, off-color observations. He feels like one of the guys that would be sitting in your living room watching the fights with you. And in the end, isn't that what an announcer should be?

4:30: One of the best parts of living in Hawaii is the delicious and diverse cuisine. But for all the great food they have here on the Islands though, the Mexican food sucks. The best Mexican they have out here is Taco Bell. Ocean and I are trying a spicy tuna roll right now. I like tuna, and I like spicy things so I should like this, right? (Note: This train of thought does not always work. One time I went to this restaurant that made specialty pizzas, and I ordered one that had brie cheese and duck on it. I thought to myself, "Hey, I like brie, I like duck, and I like pizza, so I'll like brie duck pizza! It was the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten.)

4:31: The spicy tuna roll is not that bad.

4:32: Neer gets dominated for 14 minutes, and fights well for the last minute of the fight. Pellegrino wins by unanimous decision.

4:35: There's actually 2 other Hawaiian fighters on the card and one of them is fighting now, Kendall "The Spider" Grove from Maui, who won the 3rd season of "The Ultimate Fighter." He's fighting Ricardo Almeida in the Middleweight division. He's coming out to T.I.'s "What You Know?" I always thought that you could tell a lot about a fighter by what song he comes out too. Not a bad choice by Grove.

4:39: They show celebrities in the audience and there's former UFC champion, Tito Ortiz. But I'm more interested with who's sitting next to him, his wife, the most famous porn star of all-time, Jenna Jameson. "Didn't she give birth to twins?" Ocean asks in a surprised tone. I don't know why everyone seems so surprised that Jenna Jameson had kids. Like that's the most shocking thing that's come out of her vagina.

4:40: Kendall Grove is 185 pounds, but he's also 6'6". He looks like a kickstand.

4:56: Grove gets dominated by Almeida, yet at the end of the fight he raises his arms in victory. I always hated this subplot about boxing/UFC. A fighter clearly loses but just because he goes the distance celebrates like he won the fight. As if the real prize was just to go the whole fight without getting knocked or not submitting. I'm going to try a version of this, next time I don't study and bomb a test I'm just going to hand it in and celebrate and then act outraged when I get it back and it has 'F' on it. Grove will be lucky just to win a round.

4:57: He doesn't. Almeida wins in a unanimous decision, 30-27 on all scorecards.

5:03: Another Ultimate Fighter winner, Amir Sadollah, from Season 7, is fighting next. He's coming out to some weird techno/Arab song. His opponent looks like the bearded dude from "Knocked Up." I feel like this is a good time to go to the bathroom.

5:04: And I don't even have time too because Sadollah got knocked out in 30 seconds. Apparently "The Ultimate Fighter" sucks.

5:05: Ocean thinks the referee stopped the fight too early, I disagree. Sadollah wasn't even defending himself. I don’t think you can ever fault a referee for ending a fight prematurely. It's for the fighter's own good. I've worked at summer camps for like 6 years and the camp directors always says the same thing, "safety is the most important thing, you can never be too safe." That's how I feel like the referees feel. Better to stop a fight too early than too late.

5:10: Time for the second local boy's fight, "Sugar" Shane Nelson taking on Aaron Riley. (Is it that hard to come up with a nickname for fighters? There already is a "Sugar" Shane Moseley in boxing, not to mention the two former "Sugar Ray's," Robinson and Leonard. And then there's "Sugar "Rashad Evans, who also fights in UFC. We'll get to this more later.)

5:30: After clearly losing the first two rounds, Nelson's corner blatantly lies to him and tells him that he's still in the fight. (Another one of my favorite boxing/UFC subplots.) Nelson needs a miracle to win this one.

5:31: There's a fight in the stands that's evoking a bigger reaction from the fans than the fight. Even the announcers are commenting on the fight outside the Octagon. (Yet another one of my favorite boxing/UFC subplots.)

5:34: Fight's over. "I will burn my headset and run naked through the crowd," Joe Rogan says if Nelson wins. He doesn't and we're spared the sight of Joe Rogan's penis. They should've made that a segment on "Fear Factor."

5:35: Time for the co-main event, Middleweight champion, Anderson Silva moving up a weight class to take on former Light Heavyweight champion, and original "Ultimate Fighter" winner, Forrest Griffin, in the Light Heavyweight division. Griffin is Sant and Ocean's favorite fighter. I'm honestly more excited for this one than I am for Penn-Florian.

5:36: The UFC shows a montage to pump us up for the upcoming bout. Griffin looks ready and focused. So much so, I advised Niggy to put money on it, he bet $5 to win $11.25. I wonder if he'll split any of the winnings with me?

5:37: For some weird reason, the UFC bleeps out the cuss words in the package. We're paying $60 for this fight, Joe Rogan's talking about running naked, bare-chested men are beating each other with their fists and legs, and I can't hear someone say "shit?" Really?

5:38: Silva, from Brazil, doesn't speak English and needs a translator for the package. Silva's arguably one of the best pound-for-pound fighters in the world, but he doesn't have the time to learn English? All his fights are in America? I don't like Silva. At all.

5:39: Griffin comes out to the theme song from "The Departed." That's it, I'm convinced, I'm out and out rooting for Griffin to whoop Silva's ugly, Portuguese-speaking candy-ass.

5:43: Silva, to the shock of Ocean and I, comes out to "Ain't No Sunshine" by DMX. HE DOESN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!! I don't like DMX, and I hate oldies that get sampled, I want Griffin to break Silva's arm. I will not be satisfied with anything less.

5:48: Fight starts. Philadelphia loves Griffin and starts a "Let's go Forrest (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)" chant. My man-crush on Forrest is growing.

5:49: Silva rocks Forrest.

5:50: See above. And after a big right, Forrest shakes his head as if he realizes it's not going to be his night. This is not going to end well.

5:51: Silva's toying with Forrest. Hands down, easily avoiding Forrest's strikes. It's like he's playing the UFC video game on "easy," only it's real-life. This is a mismatch, this is an execution. This is bad.

5:52: SILVA KNOCKS OUT FORREST WITH A JAB HE DIDN'T STEP INTO WHILE MOVING BACKWARDS!!! THAT WAS AMAZING! THAT WAS INCREDIBLE! THAT WAS A CLINIC! I CAN'T STOP USING CAPITALS! THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLY IMPRESSIVE! Anderson Silva just made the former Light Heavyweight champion look like a 5 year-old. Ocean's so upset he walks out of the room. Forget Shaft, Anderson Silva is a bad… "SHUT YO' MOUTH!!!

5:53: From Sant: "Woooow." Yes, with 4 o's.

5:55: Silva uses broken English to get through his post-fight interview. Not only that, he has a high-pitched voice. You can't trust grown men with high-pitched voices. For the 2nd question he speaks Portuguese, which sounds like an aggressive, violent, uglier version of Spanish. Ew.

5:56: From Sant again: "Just tooo raw man. Wow man."

5:58: From Joe: "Speechless."

5:59: I text the results to Niggy. His response, "It's cool. I'll add it to your tab." Whack.

6:00: Leonidas does an interview to promote his new movie, "Gamer." (I don't care if Gerard Butler ends up marrying one of my sisters and becomes the father to my future nieces and nephews, I will forever refer to him as "Leonidas." Kind of like how I call Christian Bale, "Batman," and how I call Hugh Jackman, "Wolverine." This unfortunately made one of my friends mad when I told them there was a movie with Batman and Wolverine, "The Prestige," which is an amazing movie by the way, and then he realized I was talking about Bale and Jackman and not the characters. Oh well. And one least note to end this tangent, Gerard Butler played one of the best movie characters of all time, a real man's man, heterosexual man develop man-crushes on him, and then he starts doing chick-flicks and romantic comedies? What a douche! This is like when Shannon Elizabeth stopped showing her breasts anymore after that's what made her famous in "American Pie." Anyone heard from her since?)

6:05: 70% of the people who voted said Penn will win. That's 30% that voted for Florian for all you people that missed Math that day. I'll end the night with at least one of my balls. And in the end, isn't that really all you need?

6:09: I'm in a pro-Penn room, and am obviously going for the local boy (I even shook his hand once), but Kenny Florian is coming out to the Octagon to "The Champ" by Ghostface Killah. I'm singing the words to the Wu-Tang and UFC. I think I might want to root for Florian.

6:11: BJ comes out to a bad-ass Hawaiian chant and "E Ala E" by Braddah Iz. I tell Ocean I'm jumping ship, he dresses me down like a new recruit. Ah well.

6:14: I just found out that Florian is 33, 4 years older than BJ. And his nickname is "Ken-Flo." Yeah, I'm definitely rooting for BJ.

6:38: After 3 rounds BJ is in total control, and Florian's face looks like a bunch of lumps.

6:39: Ocean: "He's not gonna be able to take a picture tomorrow." Me: "Or the day after."

6:40: BJ locks in a rear naked choke. Goodnight.

6:43: Bruce Buffer: "AND STIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL, U-F-C, LIGHTWEIGHT, CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD…" Well, you know the rest.

Final Thoughts: Joe and I have been betting on sports since as long as we've known each other, and this was the first time I've ever won. Seriously, Joe owns me. Couple of last words from the boys.

Joe: "Gayest card I've ever ordered. FML. I went 0-for-6 on all the fights they showed. LOL. Worst ever." Apparently, Joe IS human.

(I got this text from Ocean after he had left.) Ocean: "Was sitting across from some tool-bag that looked like "Ken-Flo." Couldn't help but wonder if he too, is a bitch."

Odds are, he is.

Anthony